Journal entry by Michael March — 11/16/2016
This evening I left the house. Not much of an adventure, but I was at least able to get out of the house and get some fresh air. We only went to WalMart which is the only place we are 100% sure has enough of those little scooters so I can get around.
So, we went shopping, and I drove the little scooter around without hitting anyone or anything. All while I tried to find items that I would eat, could eat, and wanted to eat. I am not eating enough it seems, and my appetite is nil at best, and I decided I needed to find whatever it was I would or could eat.
I have always loved salads, veggies of all types, and I am not a big fan of sweets. Of course I eat sweets, but most of the time I would rather have some carrots or celery over a donut. I remember when Chantilly High School opened the salad bar line in the yellow sub-school cafeteria, I was really excited! Much to the horror of my buddies at the time.
Ya know how it was back in the late 70's when eating a salad was for hippies, Euell Gibbons and your grandparents. However, I was all about the salad bar and I really think that was the first time I ever had "Ranch Dressing". I remember almost ignoring the "a la carte" line and just hitting the salad bar line day after day. Filling the bowl, and once at the table, just dumping the salad onto the paper tray it came on.
Anyway, eating salads, and the stuff I really like has become a chore that at times does not pay off well. But today, I loaded up on what I like and I will do my damndest to clear the shelves by jamming it down my pie hole. It might not appear to be a meal, but if I can eat it, I'm going to eat it.
However, the downside of our journey was just how much my condition was highlighted to myself. It wore me out, and after coming home and helping put away the groceries, I was a sweaty, gasping for air mess. I know I do not get around a lot, and probably some of this is expected, even Tammy thinks so, but I know just how much my breathing has declined in the last few months.
The decline, is now speeding up. I get what could be one of my final CT Scans in early December to determine how the cancer has progressed. If things are steady then I will most likely continue with the chemotherapy treatments. However, if the cancer has increased at a rate that is not going to be affected with further treatment, I will go home, call in hospice and let nature take it's course.
I know my end is near. How near only God knows for sure, and I am forever grateful for each day I have left, and for all the days I have had in the past. My only hope is I leave as pain free as possible. I would like to suffer as little as possible so my family does not have to live with watching me uncomfortably die. That too is in God's hands and God's Will, will be done.
Today was a good day, filled with moments of despair, thoughts that caused a tear or two and a glance back over my shoulders, from 15 years from now, that allowed me to know everything will be okay.
Everything continues as it always has....
PS. I'm actually eating a salad for dinner.... and I am able to taste most of it. Go me.
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