|The Beginning Of The Rest Of My Life
Journal entry by Michael March — 7/7/2016
I have been through an immunotherapy clinical trial at Johns Hopkins, that ended with complications, and now I find myself doing what most people do to gain a few more months of life. I do not feel like I am grasping for straws, yet.
Thursday, July 7 at 8:30AM I start Chemotherapy to fight the Beast one last time. Unlike the two previous fights, I stand no chance of winning this one. Putting up the fight for as long as I can, will be the best that can come from all of this.
With the knowledge of what comes with chemotherapy, and knowing exactly how this ends, I tend to think this week will be the last "normal" week of my life. From here on, it will be whatever it will be, and my tomorrows are still limited. I hope the affects of the drugs are worth whatever the gains might be.
When I feel the balance is no longer on my side, I will call it a day, and say my goodbyes. With some luck, or grace, the balance stays in my favor for a while, and abruptly tips and I'm gone.
I can feel myself getting weaker, and I can feel myself slowing down, and I know my time is drawing to a close. However, I still have time, hopefully, to finish a few things I am putting together for my family. But time is now the enemy, my strength is ebbing, and I know, in the end, none of this will matter, but I still try to focus as my mind wanders through starlit darken skies.
I can honestly say living with the knowledge you only have 6-12 months is quite daunting. I have already beat the 6 month mark, so the next to go will be the one year mark. However, if the next 6 months go by as fast as the previous 6 months, everyone will be celebrating the 5th anniversary of my passing soon.
And oddly, that is just how my mind works. At some point in the future, you will be reading this, and you will check to see what the date is, and you will try to add up how long I have been gone. Could it be 6 months? Maybe two years? Whenever it is, it will seem like only yesterday I was able to talk to you.
Time just drifts, and with it, our lives flutter around and slowly settles where they must. I have been blessed to have lived such a wonderful life, and now I enter the grand battle to the death with the Beast I have beaten twice before. As I step into the ring this final time, I know I cannot win, but into the fray I must go, just one last time, one final time. Then I will have time to rest and free myself from the pain and from the worldly bonds that causes the most pain of all.
For my family, this final fight must now start and I hope it's a long fight, but forgive me if I step out and simply give up....
|Previous Post | Next Post|